I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
