I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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