Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
