Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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