I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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