Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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