I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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