Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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