I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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