Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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