whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize