Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
