I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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