my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
