You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize