Umm I'm too high to move.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
