i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
