I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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