how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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