Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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