how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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