At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
