the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
