If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
someone owes me an orgasm
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
