am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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