I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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