i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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