So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
