Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
