My cat gives me a boner
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
