I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
