John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
