I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
