I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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