tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
