Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
