if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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