That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
