Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you inspire me to be a worse person
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
