i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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