Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
