I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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