Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
