Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
