I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
