omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
