More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
