no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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