he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
