saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
