My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Everyone says I win the strip club
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
