just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
