I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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