We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
40s are totally the cure
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
