I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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