mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
