I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
