I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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